I wrote this post a few years ago and published it elsewhere. It was this and the previous post that led me to becoming a professional declutterer. I’m so happy that now I’m able to help people make positive changes and rediscover, (or in lots of cases discover for the first time) the sense of freedom and joy that having clutter free spaces can give you, physically and emotionally.
Last week I shared my decluttering journey and how it’s changing my life, one discarded lip balm at a time. This week, the Banana Head decluttering journey of discovery continued. It’s one step closer to a place of Zen, calm and no make up that expired in 1969. Yes, I took on the bathroom cupboard that hasn’t been tackled since the days of the Incas. Well, 5 years to be precise. Ever since then, it’s become a dumping ground for discarded and unwanted everythings. It’s only the girls that use the bathroom as we have our own. That’s my excuse for the mess and you can’t convince me otherwise!
I’ve wanted to tackle it for ages but every time I’ve opened the cupboard doors a sense of dread came over me. I could hardly breathe and that wasn’t due to the stench emanating from inside the depths of hell. As with most things, the feelings of overwhelm were so strong I had to close the cupboard doors, run away to the comfort of my bed and gently sing along to Kate Bush. This time was different, this time I knew the secret to success. In my recovery from binge eating disorder, everything is one day at a time. I took a deep breath, opened the cupboard and gently said, “One bottle at a time.” With that I plucked the nearest item, fake tan that expired 3 years ago. I thanked it on behalf of Rachel for all the times it turned her into an overly tall Oompa Loompa and placed it in the ‘to be binned’ pile. Just to clarify, that’s due to her being a nice shade of orange whenever she used it, not for having green hair.
Next was the first of many, many bath bombs I’d go onto discover. I thought we might have a “The Trouble With Tribbles” situation from Star Trek going on. I’m sure we only had a couple but after talking to the girls I was reassured. They haven’t been inexplicably multiplying. It turns out, for reasons unexplained, everyone thinks we love bath bombs. The fact that none of us have ever used one or mentioned them makes it even more bizarre. None of us have had the heart to say we’d rather have Billie Eillish, Kate Bush, Gracie Abrams and Olivia Rodrigo merch. It was the same with face masks, a whole stack in various flavours and smells. The last one used was during lock down. Since then they’ve become home to spiders, voles and baby Komodo Dragons.
One bottle at a time carried on and soon I’d finished the first shelf. I had piles of bottles to be discarded, recycled and a few still in date to be gifted to our local charity shop. Seeing real progress, I felt invigorated and got into the second shelf with real gusto. Multiple duplicates of various cleaning products, the three pairs of missing nail clippers I’d had a search party looking for and a note from Katie to the tooth fairy thanking her for the £1 coin. How that got there, I’ll never know. Ooh, actually, maybe the fairy had been living here amongst the bath bombs and face masks. The separate piles on the floor got bigger and the shelf’s contents got smaller until that too was empty. Now it was time for the final frontier, the space that scared me senseless; the floor!
I’d recently attempted to clear the floor pile but after spreading it out and seeing it covered the whole bathroom floor, I stuffed it back in and ran away crying. With my new found confidence and sense of calm, I was ready this time. One by one, I took everything out and dealt with it. There were three things that struck me. The first was that the floor was Tardis like. The space looked tiny but contained enough crap to open a shop. A shop selling crap and stuff that was absolute pants. No one would consider taking any of it for free, let alone buying it.
Next was the fact that I could find anything here. It was a perfect hiding place and I half expected Lord Lucan, Shergar or Jimmy Hoffa to pop their heads out and ask for a cheese roll. The final thing to strike me was a load of old piping from our bathroom. It hurt, and as it turned out, was the reason for the slightly odd stench. As I made my way through it I found more and more things that absolutely didn’t belong there. This was due to either a) Us chucking everything in there instead of taking a few seconds to put them in their rightful place. Or, b) the fairy living in the cupboard using them for bedding and furniture. I’d like to say it was b but it was absolutely a sadly. They included a screwdriver, alum key, candles, bottles of paint and random badges for the Detective Society, whatever that is.
Two and a half hours after starting, I was done. It felt so good to have another clutter free space in our home. All that’s left now is the shed and loft and the loft is just stuff to sell, seemingly never ending stuff to sell. So, please get in touch if you’d like Empire magazines dating back to 1990, Bad Taste Bears, assorted Tsum Tsums and some Radio Rentals video recorders. I’m now ready to start work as a professional declutterer and can’t wait to help change people’s lives for the better. You never know, you might have fairies lodging in your cupboards too along with Lord Lucan.
Until next time.
Meet The New Man Drawer Contents, Complete With Eye Mask and WD40.
70’s Make Up, Goodbye. It’s Been Emotional.
Welcoming The Zen Back Into The Bathroom. Who’s For A Bath Bomb?